Friday, 6 July 2012

July's Here Already. Blimey.

It's been a long month here.

I'd intended to write frequently, but I couldn't bring myself to spew forth pages of blah blah without having any artwork to sweeten the pill for you poor readers. After all, this is my arty blog, and while personality is part of it, it's not the whole.

This week I've painted. Aside from that last picture I posted (which sold a few days later, amazingly!), I was unable to pick up a pencil and do anything for quite a while.

The medication rendered me a shaking wreck, and despite reviews and alterations to what I was taking, I kept getting worse. Eventually one morning, after taking the nine pills I was having every day, I decided enough was enough.

I've had similar medication before in the past and it was difficult getting to grips with it, but this time I found myself eight weeks in, with nothing to show but extreme anxiety and a lack of anything positive in my life. So I went cold turkey. I quit taking everything all in one go, which is not recommended, but I strongly felt I needed the freedom from it.

It's been a tough few weeks, though I do feel a lot more human. There have been one or two really bad days that I thought I wouldn't get through, but I did. Better that I battle my own demons than those of drugs that change everything for the worse. I know this isn't the way for everyone and I wouldn't urge anyone to follow my lead, but it's definitely the best way for me right now.

So, on Tuesday, after a hideous day Monday, I woke up feeling more positive than I can remember being in a long time. By 7am I was at my previously abandoned desk, painting and painting. I barely stopped to come up for air, which is how I always used to work. I actually felt normal, real and whole for the first time in months. I'm not naive enough to think that this is the end of the troubles, but I take great solace and pleasure from having achieved something.

I had a review at the doctor's on Wednesday. I was concerned that I'd get a telling off when I admitted to what I'd done with the medication. As it turns out, I got quite the opposite. Heidi, the lady who has been looking after me since the beginning of all this, told me that she had never previously seen me smiling as I was that day. I hadn't realised that I'd never once given her a smile or a laugh, which is a big part of my personality. She must have thought I was just a miserable bugger! She approved of the change in me and also commented that I've lost weight. The latter will of course reverse itself soon enough, as it was the pills taking away my appetite. On the other hand, I do have a minor desire to start cycling and there's a bike in our shed that could be make servicable again, so you never know.

I can't make a summary here, or offer any great insights. All I can do it potter on day after day going with whatever my daft brain happens to throw at me. I can however show my paintings, which have already been aired on Facebook, Folksy and goodness knows where else. Plenty of you will have seen them already, but just for the record:

Large painting, one of my faves so far






And some ACEOs, all framed up nice








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